Joan Van Boxel
September 16, 1947 - August 8, 2010
February 2012
There are times in life where you can place back in time and remember every exact detail of what happened, your emotions, what song was on the radio, the time, the place, and every single thought you had at that moment. From December 30th 2009 until August 8th, 2010, I had many of these moments.
It was New Year's Eve Day and I was on my way home from dropping my kids off by my mother in laws house, cause we had plans to go out that night. I knew my mom was at the spinal clinic with my aunt to figure out what was going on with her back and why it was so sore, so I was anxiously awaiting that call. Half way home, I got the call. My mom was calm as she told me that she had kidney cancer and that it had spread outside of the kidney. WHAT!! what is kidney cancer? Never heard of it until this moment. Being the need to know freak that I am, I looked up kidney cancer as soon as I got home. Talk about having your heart ripped out, I was devasted. My mom's cancer was terminal. My mom was going to die!!
My life changed that day, my faith changed that day, my relationship with my mom changed that day. I was no longer just her daughter, I was now her strength, the person that she wanted to talk to, the only one she trusted to get her in and out of the house for appointments. The only thought I had was, how can I be strong for my mom when all I want to do is call my mom and shed my tears to her, not for her.
One particular time I will never forget, where my strength was tested was at an appointment, almost near the end of my mom's journey. She was just sobbing, she wasn't ready to die, she is afraid of the pain, she wants to see my daughter Lily get married. Do you know how hard it was at that point to carry on? I prayed that night that God would give me more strength, I was feeling weak. The next day, I was ready to face the battle, He was there to help me through this.
The night before my mom would be admitted to the hospital for the final time, my dad called and asked me to come. My mom wanted me there, the pain was really bad. I hopped in the car and spent the night talking to my mom about everything. I asked her when she passed if she would find a way to give me some sign that she was ok and that she was in Heaven. She promised she would, after she giggled a little bit. That night I watched her sleep and listened to her cry, even in her sleep. My heart broke again, was the most helpless feeling in the world. I wanted to take her pain but I know if it was possible she wouldn't have let me.
The next day she said something wasn't right, she wanted to go to the hospital. I think she knew she wasn't coming home. I watched her look around the house, as I pulled out of the driveway, I saw a tear go down her face. That day we were told my mom would be signing with Hospice. We all knew this, but my mom was heavily sedated so she didn't know yet. I went home for a bit to catch a little sleep and we had decided to let the doctors tell her.
About a week later, I left the hospital to again sleep and just leave for a while. I was called back almost as soon as I sat down. Mom's breathing had changed. Brad and I flew out the door, he dropped me off and I sprinted to her room. She had what is called the death rattle, never heard it before, I broke. I completely broke at that point. Some how after I settled, which was minutes, I walked to her, my dad and brother were holding her hands so I went to her head. We prayed the Our Father and then I told her it was time to go. I told her to walk to grandma, walk to the light, walk to the beautiful music, we would be ok, I will take care of dad and Jake (my brother). Her breathing was really quiet while I was talking and I could feel it slow, just before her last breath I whispered I love you and she was gone.
The next week was hectic with funeral preparations and then the funeral. I didn't have time to think, in a way I felt relief that she was gone. She had no more pain, no more suffering. It's hard to watch a loved one going through something like that. If relief sounds harsh, I apologize, but that's how I felt.
3 months down the road, it hit me! My mom was gone, she was really gone. I remember laying in bed and crying so hard that I couldn't breathe, my heart was broken, I would never be the same. I wanted my mom, I wanted to call her and ask her how do I get through this, but she wasn't there. 6 months later the pain was raw still but the crying was less and less. The 1 year mark was horrible! I was at the hospital again in my thoughts losing her all over again. Today it is coming on 19 months, I don't have the pain anymore. I miss her and will always miss her, but today I can talk about my memories with her and even smile or laugh thinking about her.
If you have a parent with cancer, my advice to you is to love them as much as you can. Be open, leave nothing unsaid! Have no regrets, I have none, and I think it has made my healing process easier. Be with them when it is there time if at all possible. It was a very special moment and I was so afraid I would miss it. Tell them you love them 100 times a day if you must, but make sure they know, cause you never know if you will get another chance. Live in the moment, try not to think about the future, it will kill you inside. Pray for miracles, pray for peace, pray for strength, pray for everything...it helps!!
One more thing before I close this up...you may have forgotten about "the promise" she made to me. Well, a couple of months ago we were in Green Bay and I decided to stop and "see" my mom at the cemetary. Prior to this, I hadn't been there since her burial. Anyway, my family and I pulled into the parking lot and all the lights in my van turned on. I felt immediate peace, peace like no other. I know in my heart that my mom kept her promise to me, she is ok and she is in Heaven. Somehow, some way, God let her tell me!! Since that day, I am ok, I mean really ok.
Hope Nesper
It was New Year's Eve Day and I was on my way home from dropping my kids off by my mother in laws house, cause we had plans to go out that night. I knew my mom was at the spinal clinic with my aunt to figure out what was going on with her back and why it was so sore, so I was anxiously awaiting that call. Half way home, I got the call. My mom was calm as she told me that she had kidney cancer and that it had spread outside of the kidney. WHAT!! what is kidney cancer? Never heard of it until this moment. Being the need to know freak that I am, I looked up kidney cancer as soon as I got home. Talk about having your heart ripped out, I was devasted. My mom's cancer was terminal. My mom was going to die!!
My life changed that day, my faith changed that day, my relationship with my mom changed that day. I was no longer just her daughter, I was now her strength, the person that she wanted to talk to, the only one she trusted to get her in and out of the house for appointments. The only thought I had was, how can I be strong for my mom when all I want to do is call my mom and shed my tears to her, not for her.
One particular time I will never forget, where my strength was tested was at an appointment, almost near the end of my mom's journey. She was just sobbing, she wasn't ready to die, she is afraid of the pain, she wants to see my daughter Lily get married. Do you know how hard it was at that point to carry on? I prayed that night that God would give me more strength, I was feeling weak. The next day, I was ready to face the battle, He was there to help me through this.
The night before my mom would be admitted to the hospital for the final time, my dad called and asked me to come. My mom wanted me there, the pain was really bad. I hopped in the car and spent the night talking to my mom about everything. I asked her when she passed if she would find a way to give me some sign that she was ok and that she was in Heaven. She promised she would, after she giggled a little bit. That night I watched her sleep and listened to her cry, even in her sleep. My heart broke again, was the most helpless feeling in the world. I wanted to take her pain but I know if it was possible she wouldn't have let me.
The next day she said something wasn't right, she wanted to go to the hospital. I think she knew she wasn't coming home. I watched her look around the house, as I pulled out of the driveway, I saw a tear go down her face. That day we were told my mom would be signing with Hospice. We all knew this, but my mom was heavily sedated so she didn't know yet. I went home for a bit to catch a little sleep and we had decided to let the doctors tell her.
About a week later, I left the hospital to again sleep and just leave for a while. I was called back almost as soon as I sat down. Mom's breathing had changed. Brad and I flew out the door, he dropped me off and I sprinted to her room. She had what is called the death rattle, never heard it before, I broke. I completely broke at that point. Some how after I settled, which was minutes, I walked to her, my dad and brother were holding her hands so I went to her head. We prayed the Our Father and then I told her it was time to go. I told her to walk to grandma, walk to the light, walk to the beautiful music, we would be ok, I will take care of dad and Jake (my brother). Her breathing was really quiet while I was talking and I could feel it slow, just before her last breath I whispered I love you and she was gone.
The next week was hectic with funeral preparations and then the funeral. I didn't have time to think, in a way I felt relief that she was gone. She had no more pain, no more suffering. It's hard to watch a loved one going through something like that. If relief sounds harsh, I apologize, but that's how I felt.
3 months down the road, it hit me! My mom was gone, she was really gone. I remember laying in bed and crying so hard that I couldn't breathe, my heart was broken, I would never be the same. I wanted my mom, I wanted to call her and ask her how do I get through this, but she wasn't there. 6 months later the pain was raw still but the crying was less and less. The 1 year mark was horrible! I was at the hospital again in my thoughts losing her all over again. Today it is coming on 19 months, I don't have the pain anymore. I miss her and will always miss her, but today I can talk about my memories with her and even smile or laugh thinking about her.
If you have a parent with cancer, my advice to you is to love them as much as you can. Be open, leave nothing unsaid! Have no regrets, I have none, and I think it has made my healing process easier. Be with them when it is there time if at all possible. It was a very special moment and I was so afraid I would miss it. Tell them you love them 100 times a day if you must, but make sure they know, cause you never know if you will get another chance. Live in the moment, try not to think about the future, it will kill you inside. Pray for miracles, pray for peace, pray for strength, pray for everything...it helps!!
One more thing before I close this up...you may have forgotten about "the promise" she made to me. Well, a couple of months ago we were in Green Bay and I decided to stop and "see" my mom at the cemetary. Prior to this, I hadn't been there since her burial. Anyway, my family and I pulled into the parking lot and all the lights in my van turned on. I felt immediate peace, peace like no other. I know in my heart that my mom kept her promise to me, she is ok and she is in Heaven. Somehow, some way, God let her tell me!! Since that day, I am ok, I mean really ok.
Hope Nesper
November 2010
Joan is survived by her husband Daniel, children Hope Nesper and Jacob, 3 grandchildren Andrew, Braedy, and Lily. One brother Bruce all from Green Bay, WI. On August 8th, 2010 Joan lost her 7 month battle with kidney cancer.
This is my mom's story with cancer....
Starting in the summer of 2009, my mother started having back and shoulder pain. She played it off as swinging on the monkey bars with the grandkids or from taking my lab for a walk, or should I say my lab taking her for a walk. As summer went on the pain was getting worse and worse so she decided to see a chiropractor. He treated her for months, when finally he told her that this pain is not normal and that she should see her family doctor. My mom scheduled an appointment with the doctor for a physical, she hadn't seen the doctor since she was diagnosed with melanoma cancer probably 20 years back. Needless to say she was very nervous. The doctor noticed she had extremely high blood pressure, I can't remember the numbers, but it was dangerously high. That was the first sign of the cancer, but who would have thought! He started her on blood pressure medications and gave her muscle relaxers for her back. By this time it is November, the blood pressure is better but her back is still hurting uncontrollably. She decides it's time to go back to the doctor, this time he wants to do an MRI but my mom refuses, she had a fear of closed in spaces. Again, more muscle relaxers and finally she agrees to see a spinal doctor. She told my mom they have an open MRI machine and my mom agrees to it. My aunt was with my mom during this MRI appointment and immediately following the MRI, they sent her to the doctor for results.
It was New Year's Eve day and I was on my way to my mother in laws house to drop off my children, we had plans to go out that night. My aunt called and said they wanted to see her right away. My heart dropped, I knew it was bad. Not only did she have back pain, high blood pressure, but she was also suffering from night sweats. I knew she had cancer of some sort, but I figured it was ovarian cancer. I dropped off the kids and on my way home I got the dreaded call from my mom. She was crying and said she had kidney cancer and that it had spread to her bones. Kidney cancer?? What? I never heard of kidney cancer. I told my mom I would go home and head to Green Bay to take her to the oncologist. When I got home I looked on the internet about RCC and what I read scared me. How was I supposed to go with my mom to this appointment, she is going to die! I pulled myself together, drove to her house crying all the way there. I had to stay positive and strong for my mom, I just had to and at that moment I knew I would be my mom's strength through this. I prayed for this every night...
We saw the oncologist and they scheduled more tests. We found out she had numerous spots in her bones, one on her liver, 2 on her lungs...he told her she was terminal, but that treatment for RCC has come a long way and their hopes were that she live a somewhat normal life for quite some time. They started her on Torisol first which she did really well on. Hardly no side effects at all and she was feeling somewhat better. They also did radiation on her bone mets and on the mets she had on her skull. My mom lost her hair from the radiation, but it did shrink the mets. We later went in for a check and found the Torisel had worked!! So excited, my mom may have a shot at some time. Well the end of March my mom started passing blood clots in her urine, so back to the oncologist we went. More scans and this time the news wasn't so good, the tumors had grown and she now had more tumors including one on her other kidney. He said it was time to remove her kidney.
In April she had a radical nephrectomy in which they removed a cantaloupe sized tumor from her kidney. They told us she was recovering well, but as the day wore on she wasn't coming out of it. She was in a deep sleep, but they never said a coma. I thought for sure this was it, this was the end. After a couple of days she finally came out of it and then was released. She recovered fairly well, no other problems. We had to wait 6 weeks before they would start her on Sutent, it would take that long for her to heal. So on her 6th week of recovery, I was heading over to do some cleaning and grocery shopping and as I pulled on their street I saw the rescue squad! Oh I was so scared, what is happening...I somehow walked into the house to find my mom almost unconscious with paramedics all around her. She lost total control of her bowels and honestly she looked dead. They took her to the hospital and couldn't find a blood pressure. We later find out she had almost a complete blockage which they fixed right away.
So in June they started her on Sutent and wow was she sick. She had horrible diarrhea, no appetite, she was losing so much weight she looked like a skeleton. All she did was sleep, no improvement at all. On August 4th my dad called me at 8pm and asked me to come, my mom was in a lot of pain and wanted me to come. I sped over there and had the best night with her. We talked and I mean really talked about things. She told me she was ready to give up, the pain was so bad and now she was getting headaches. My heart just broke, I knew the cancer had spread to her brain. All night long I just laid there and watched her sleep. Why Lord, why is this happening? My poor mom looked so sick and I was so helpless. The next day which was a Sunday, she said something was really wrong and she wanted to go to the hospital. I noticed that her stomach was swollen, not good. While I was getting her ready to go, she really took time to look around the house. This was her sign to me that she knew she wasn't going back home. It is really hard thinking about that day.
At the hospital they ran more tests and my mom was given Valium for the MRI so she was out of it. The oncologist came in and told us things weren't good. The cancer had spread all the way up her spine and it had moved into her brain. They told us it was time for hospice. I think we all kind of expected this, but it was very hard to hear. My mom was sleeping and had no idea what was going on. When she woke up, who should tell her? Us or the doctor? We decided it would be best for her to talk to the oncologist. The next day, Monday she had some more tests done, why, I don't know. But on Tuesday they finally came in and told her all the bad news. She cried and pleaded with them to keep looking for something to help her. It was heart wrenching and again there is nothing you can do, I have never felt so helpless in my life. They said she probably had about of month left with us.
On Thursday I headed up to the hospital and before I even walked into the room the hospice nurse grabbed me and took me in a room to talk. She said my mom took a turn and probably would be gone within days. What?? She was just talking to me on the phone last night, how could this have happened. We all took turns staying with her and on Sunday night we got a call that mom's breathing had changed to come soon. We all made it to the hospital and said our goodbyes. I went by her head and whispered to her that it was time to leave, to walk to the bright lights, heavenly gates, to find my grandma and take her hand, that she would lead her the rest of the way.....I whispered I love you and in that moment she left this life to start her new heavenly life.
I miss my mom so much and so many times I have picked up the phone to call her and then I remember that she is no longer with us. It hurts every time! I still can't bring myself to the cemetery, it is still too fresh and too hard. When my mom died she took a piece of me with her and I know that time heals, but part of my heart will always be with her. I can tell everyone reading this that everyday I had with my mom was a gift and we had so many good talks, nothing was left unsaid. I wouldn't have had that if she would have been killed in an accident or suddenly died for some other reason. It is a very hard thing to go through, for the patient and also the family. My mom always said that there was a reason God choose her to have cancer. Even if it brought one person closer to Him he has served His purpose. My mom never lost her faith, never blamed God, never asked why me, she was the strongest, most caring woman I have ever known and I am happy to say she was my mother! Love you forever mom and until I see you again...
Written by Hope....her daughter
 |
| In Honor of My Mom |
